After She Left - Side Story 4
He had only learned about the letter a few days ago. He had received it from a maid who had served Kilianerisa in her lifetime, by a very coincidental chance.
If it weren’t for that coincidence, he wouldn’t have even known about the existence of the letter.
When he saw the item attached to the letter, Callisis immediately recognized whose letter it was. However, despite receiving the letter with curiosity, he still hadn’t opened it.
He stared at the letter through his blurry vision for a moment, then with a determined face, he opened the drawer and took out his glasses. Once he put on the glasses, the blurry letters finally became clear. The first thing that caught his eye was the recipient’s name.
「Callisis」
When he saw his name written in familiar handwriting, he felt a strange rush of emotion. Even though she would never write a letter to him, the unmistakable name in the recipient’s place was undoubtedly his.
The next name his eyes fell upon felt somewhat unfamiliar yet familiar.
「Kilianerisa」
He had already checked it dozens of times. There was no doubt that it was her name.
Feeling a strange stir of emotion, he gently brushed his hand over the letter. The letter had a form quite different from the ones that were popular today. It was reminiscent of the styles that were popular decades ago. It was very outdated to the point that nobody would use such a form now.
Despite being very old, it seemed to smell faintly of a perfume that was popular in the old days. Even though it shouldn’t be the case.
The faded letter seemed to have gone back in time. It was similar to his wrinkled hand. Perhaps they have been through a similar amount of time.
Silently, he mouthed her name.
‘Kilianerisa.’
A name he both loved and resented.
Just saying it made his heart ache a little. He thought there were no more memories left to revive, but it seemed that they were still there somewhere.
The heart that yearned for that past.
Lost momentarily in longing, he took a deep breath and carefully opened the tightly sealed letter. His heart pounded so hard that it made his ears ring. He adjusted his glasses and began to read the letter.
「Perhaps you resent me.
Yes, it’s only natural. I broke our promise and betrayed you, so you probably despise me. Or maybe you’ve already forgotten about me.
Maybe you’re adjusting to a reality without me, but I hope you haven’t forgotten me.
Selfish, isn’t it? I know. But you know that too. I’ve always been that kind of person.
I don’t know if this letter will reach you or not, but there are things I still want to tell you.
You know what? I regret not holding your hand. It’s such a silly thing to say, right?
I know it sounds pathetic and ridiculous, but I regret it madly.
It’s absurd for me to think about it, but I guess I’m still in love with you.
I pushed your hand away to be happy, but I’ve never been happy since. I thought there would be many things better than you…. I believed that firmly, but….
Why do I regret it so much?
Since coming here, I’ve suddenly realized something. Want to hear it?
Actually, I might have already been happy. My happiness was already complete by your side, to the extent that I didn’t need to search for any other happiness.
I guess I realized that fact too late.
No, actually, I knew. What I was chasing after was nothing more than garbage-like happiness. But I couldn’t admit it. Because admitting that would make me even more miserable. I didn’t want to become any more miserable.
So, I struggled desperately, but when I looked back, I realized I was just going in circles.
This place is no different from the home I so desperately wanted to escape from. No, it’s even worse. It’s like hell. With each passing day, it feels like even the joy I once had is gradually disappearing. What should I have done?
I always wondered. What did I do wrong? What went wrong?
When I thought about the past, the answer came more easily than I thought. From the moment I let go of your hand, it seemed I had already committed a grave sin. By hurting you, by lying about not loving you, and by not being happy in such situations.
So, it looks like I’m receiving my punishment.
If this is the price for betraying you, I willingly accept this punishment. Because I know you must have suffered just as much. Still, the reason I’m writing this is because I want to convey even this one word to you.
I’m sorry for something I’ve never said before. If I can’t tell you, I’ll truly regret it, so I’m telling these words now.
I’m sorry.
And I love you.
Since the moment I met you, I’ve never stopped loving you. Even if you deny everything, I hope you won’t deny this.
I want you to be happy. You’re a good person, unlike me, you can surely be happy no matter where you are.
Take care.」
For a moment, it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Everything fell silent as if all sounds had disappeared. Only the ticking of the clock moving second by second was proof that time was passing.
His eyes were shaking violently as if facing a storm. The hand holding the letter was trembling. He could feel something was welling up inside him, but even so, he felt numb. He couldn’t think at all.
He blinked several times and then slowly read the letter again as if trying to engrave it in his mind.
Once.
Twice.
And three times.
He continued to read the letter over and over.
He thought that something would change as he read, but there was no difference. The feeling, as if someone had struck him on the head, persisted. How many times did he stare at the letter? Suddenly, a bitter laugh escaped.
“Ha……”
Then, a series of questions followed.
Why?
And then resentment.
So why did you leave me?
And then anger followed.
Why on earth! What did you hope to gain?!
In the end, there was sadness.
“Ahhh……”
You fool!
Why, why! Why didn’t I say anything?
He thought she had already left. He thought he would never get another chance. So, so I didn’t look for her. I deliberately avoided her. If she saw him, she would hate him even more… That thought terrified him.
So he always avoided her like a sinner.
‘But, that wasn’t the case…’
What on earth did we do? Why, for what reason, did we suffer our whole lives… What was it all for?
In reality, he missed her all the time, and it hurt like he was going to die. He just wanted to see her happy… But seeing her happy would be painful and joyful at the same time, so he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
No, that’s not it.Despite various pathetic excuses, the truth was he wanted to see her happy. Despite the resentment and everything, deep down, he wished for her happiness.
But what on earth is this letter?
“Ah, ah……!”
His voice was barely audible, as if his throat was constricted.
His hoarse voice was so unpleasant to hear that even expressing sadness with it was embarrassing. He had aged this much. He was so weak that he couldn’t even read the letter properly without relying on something.
He didn’t even have the strength to grieve the fact that he realized the true feelings of the loved… no, his lover, too late. It was heartbreaking. It hurt so much in his chest that he curled up without even realizing it.
Stupid. Extremely stupid. She was stupid, and he was stupid.
He roughly brushed his face with his palms, trying to wipe away the tears trickling down his cheeks. He felt the rough surface of his palm against his skin. He wanted to comfort her with these wrinkled hands, but there was no Callisis from her youthful days that she loved.
There was only an old man waiting for the day of his death.
He had never resented the years that had passed, but now, he resented it terribly. If only he had seen this letter a little earlier… No, if he had seen it while she was alive, would something have changed?
Reflecting on the past was not easy when too many years had passed. Like a hairpin whose original color couldn’t be recognized, his memories were not complete.
He resented everything, yet oddly, a sense of relief brushed past him.
She hadn’t betrayed him.
He was so happy with those words. It was enough to offset all his sorrows. He was afraid that he hadn’t awakened from the dream yet.
A letter left by her when she was alive, and he who had become old with the passage of time.
Decades of divergent time strangely intertwined. The truth he learned hurt him terribly. However, it wasn’t just pain. The fact that their hearts were aligned within the twisted gap made him somewhat happy, so it was okay even if it hurt. However, he couldn’t hide the sense of emptiness that was coming over him.
The greater the joy, the greater the emptiness.
Tears flowed endlessly, and an empty smile leaked out between them. At the same time, a pain surged, as if someone was tightly gripping his heart and wouldn’t let go. Even though the accompanying pain and sorrow, the smile didn’t disappear. It seemed like he was in so much pain that he became delirious.
Unfamiliar emotions swirled together like a whirlwind, and all of which were overwhelming. He clenched the letter in his hand as if to endure it. Even that was too much for him to hold in his hand completely.
But it didn’t matter.
No, Callisis suddenly felt glad of that fact.
He thought that the more he lost strength from his hand, the closer he would be to meeting her.
Suddenly, her smiling face came to mind. All the memories were hazy, but it was the only thing that shone brightly and hadn’t changed. Seeing the smiling Kilianerisa, Callisis smiled back at her, just as he did in his dream.
Ah, Kilianerisa.
I’ve made it too hard for you. I’m sorry.
I’ll come to see you soon.
A happy smile appeared on his face.
It seemed like he had kept her waiting for too long. He was very sorry to have found out too late. Callisis looked down at his now wrinkled hand. Suddenly, he was ashamed for being so shabby.
Thinking that she might not welcome him if she saw him so old, Callisis pulled back the wrinkles on the back of his hand, as if trying to hide them.
Even though he knew it was a foolish thing to do, he felt like he had to do something like this because he was ashamed of being so old. Yet, once roughened by time, his hands remained unchanged. The wrinkles on the back of his hand were no different. And the memories of their journey together lingered in his heart, undiminished.
My heart always hurts, but why did it hurt? There was no need to feel the pain, but why did I insist on embracing the sorrow?
Perhaps it was funny, he burst into laughter. Despite that, he couldn’t stop crying because he felt remorseful for hurting her.